Secret SisterHood - Excerpt
Chapter 1 - Shelby Tomlinson
Shelby’s trembling forefinger traced her husband’s lips on the enlarged 4x6 photograph she held. She had used the same finger that very morning on his very lips. The tender touch she gave caused him to stir and wake with a smile. Just as she had wanted and expected, he pulled her into an embrace and kissed her.
Now she held the picture she picked up off her office desk in hopes to simulate the feeling she had earlier that morning. She needed to pull from what her psychotherapist called finding her ‘happy place’. Holding the picture of her husband and thinking about their morning kiss helped her relive the feelings.
Thankfully, she didn’t have to use the psychotherapy technique often- since the anxiety attacks were inconsistent. They usually happened when she was highly stressed or if she was pondering over something with worrisome for too long.
Staring at the picture, Shelby remembered what their early morning kiss led too, the tightening in her chest and rapid heartbeats slowly subsided. Shelby smiled as the pain subsided also.
Beads of sweat formed quickly, predictable with the hot flashes she experienced after each anxiety attack. One second she was cool - the vent in her office blowing directly down on her - then the next second she felt as if she was back outside in the 95 degree heat. Taking the lid off the soda cup left over from lunch, she pulled out a piece of ice and wiped it on her forehead, cheeks, and neck.
It had been a few months since she’d had an attack. The cause of that attack was the same as the one this afternoon - she had been stressing about wanting to get pregnant.
She’d found that the best relief from the anxiety attacks was to practice psychotherapy techniques her childhood doctor taught her. Shelby’s mother had taken her to see the doctor on her first day of junior high school. That was when Shelby had her first attack. She’d been stressing over the first day at a new school. Just before leaving for school that morning, her monthly cycle started for the first time. Even though Shelby had been scared and excited at the same time about the transition into womanhood, her fears of going to school and being embarrassed about her clothing getting messed up overtook her. Her panic attack happened in the girls’ bathroom before she made it to her first class.
She hated referring to the techniques as psychotherapy, so she called them her mini-vacations instead. During her mini-vacations she focused on something that brought her joy. Over the years she found that pictures of her loved ones helped the most. So as a result, in her office, purse, and home, there were many memorable pictures scattered about.
Attempting to take a deep breath, Shelby focused on the photo. It was taken two years prior during their annual family vacation in Mexico. Each year for as long as she could remember her family had taken a family vacation. Since she had gotten married, her husband Phillip was now a part of the tradition.
She stood next to her husband as they de-boarded their cruise ship. They were wearing matching sombreros, which shielded them from the hot Mexican sun. She could barely see his beautiful hazel eyes for the shadow cast by the hat. Her tawny-colored skin had started turning bronze during the first couple days of their vacation.
Their vacation turned out to be wonderful, and upon their return, Shelby’s mother asked if she could expect grandchildren soon. Sadly she hadn’t been able to give her mother an answer that day or since. Every time her mother asked, Shelby often asked herself the same question to the point of stress. This nagging question as well and the influx of prenatal patients she saw before lunch, had caused her to have her most recent attack.
Suddenly Shelby heard a knock at the door. She placed the picture back on her desk and pulled out a Kleenex to wipe her hands and face. Her mini-vacation was over and it was back to reality - work.
“Come in,” Shelby said, clearing her throat.
The door opened. Shelby could hear the talking from the lobby full of patients echoing. Her co-worker and friend, Rachel, stepped in, closing the door behind her. Her face was flushed. She sat back in a patient chair opposite Shelby and fanned herself with the medium sized Post-It note she was holding.
“Can I sit for just a second and catch my breath?” Rachel asked. “Is the air working? It seems like it’s 90 degrees in here, too,” she let out a sigh and rubbed her temples. “It's been such a mad house today.”
“I know; that power outage yesterday wasn’t good,” Shelby said, nervously dabbing the Kleenex on her neck. She always felt embarrassed by the attacks, but was relieved Rachel had walked in and not one of the other nurses. “You know we have the patients we couldn’t finish seeing yesterday, plus our regular schedule. Being closed Monday for the upcoming Labor Day holiday doesn’t help either.”
Shelby glanced at the picture she had just held. “I was in the middle taking a mini-vacation from today's reality.”
“Are you okay?” Rachel asked.
Shelby smiled. “Yeah, I’m fine. It was just a little attack this time.” Shelby had confided in Rachel about the attacks just after she had witnessed one.
“Are you sure? What do you think triggered it?”
“I guess pondering too much on when and if I’m ever going to have a child. That, coupled with the influx of all those prenatal patients we had this morning.” The fact that my husband avoids me like the plague when I want to talk about my feelings and concerns really doesn’t help either, she thought. Shelby’s face darkened as she thought about all the times her husband changed the subject or conveniently found a way to wriggle out of talking to her. She saw the look of concern on Rachel’s face. “But don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” She straightened her face and smiled - to reassure Rachel and herself as well.
Rachel leaned forward and touched Shelby’s hand. “It’s me you’re talking to. You don’t have to put up any false pretenses.”
“I know, and I thank you. But I assure, you I will be fine.” Her lips felt dry, so Shelby picked up her purse and rummaged through it for lip-gloss.
Rachel rolled her neck around on her shoulders. She slipped her hands under her curly auburn hair to knead her neck. “I need a mini-vacation. You always look so refreshed after you take one.”
Shelby loved her friend for showing her obvious concern and then backing off the subject of the attack. “You should try it sometime; it's economical and you don't need a passport,” Shelby said.
“I might have to take you up on that some day.”
Shelby glanced at her watch. It was 1:00 in the afternoon.
Rachel placed the Post-it on Shelby's desk in front of her. “Do you still have Ms. Cline's chart?”
“You're kidding me right? It’s been so busy I haven’t had time to complete any charts. Of course I still have her chart.” Shelby rolled her eyes.
“I figured you did. Anyway, Walter Reed Hospital called, and they need Ms. Cline’s recent lab results faxed to them A.S.A.P.”
Shelby sighed. “One more thing to add to my long list of things to do. Do you have their fax number?”
Rachel perked up, standing immediately. “It’s right there on the Post-It.” She pointed to the fax number. “I need to tend to my patients, you know you should do the same thing,” Rachel said playfully.
Shelby grabbed her stress ball and threw it at Rachel. “Funny, very funny.” She snorted as she laughed. Just before running out of the office, Rachel picked up the ball and threw it back, leaving the door ajar. Sounds of incoming patients filled the lobby and steadily climbed.
She stood slowly and took a deeper, almost painless breath this time. How nice it would be if I didn’t have to see any pregnant patients this afternoon, she thought.
When she first began working at Silvermont Women’s Center as a registered nurse, Shelby had loved working with all the patients, especially the prenatal ones. She’d secured the job just two months after graduating from Carson State University, a local college. Shelby considered herself blessed to get the job. Silvermont Women’s Center was known statewide for being one of the best OB/GYN and infertility offices.
Over the years she had seen women of all types and ages come through the office for one reason or another. The first couple of years Shelby actually had an affinity for working with the pregnant patients. Most of them seemed to have a joyous radiance about them, especially at the instant she told them the positive results of their pregnancy tests. She loved giving the good news.
The euphoria vanished about other women getting pregnant, after two years of trying to become pregnant herself. Shelby eventually got to the point where she dreaded sharing the positive test results with her patients.
She began to envy many of the women, especially the ones who bragged about easily getting pregnant after only a month or two of trying. Then there were times when she felt angry towards the women who hoped they weren’t pregnant. Shelby would deliver the good news of their pregnancies and they looked horrified - as if it was the worst thing in the world. Shelby knew differently. There was nothing worse than praying for months and months to become pregnant - but to no avail.
Lately, the only time she felt solace was when she was working with the women who were having trouble conceiving. She could relate to them. They, to some degree or another, were in the same boat as she. Shelby felt like she was in a secret sisterhood with these women. Her “sisters” knew exactly how it felt to long for a child day after day. They knew the emotional ups and downs.
Often when her sisters needed a listening ear, they confided in Shelby. Whenever time allowed during their appointments, Shelby spent extra time talking with them about their grief. She listened attentively, knowing these women needed to vent.
There were many times Shelby wished she had someone to confide in, especially her husband. Often she wanted to tell her sisters that she had many of the same concerns and longings. But it wasn’t professional to talk to them about her personal problems, even if they seemed to be similar. Nor did she want to confide her longings to even her closest friends or family. She felt too embarrassed to talk to them and didn’t think they would truly understand any way. No one close to her seemed to be having any problems having babies. All of her married friends either already had children or were pregnant. So she kept all of her thoughts to herself.
Now after four years of working at Silvermont OB/GYN, overall, she continued to enjoy the work she did. But some days the longing to have a child coupled with the flood of prenatal patients was getting to her so much that she started stressing. She stressed to the point that the anxiety attacks, which had ceased her freshman year in college, returned.
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